Who wants to be right as rain/It's better when something is wrong

 BARCELONA 2019 UNEDITED PHOTO DUMP 

Chapter 1

Honestly not what i signed up for but thank you for being there for me and i am ready to take on this rollercoaster ride

x

1am thoughts

I'm sorry I always try to be a better version of myself for you but certain thoughts trigger what could happen and what might happen if I don't ask why. I know I am irritating, a roadblock to your happiness and bring nothing but misery into your life. I'm sorry I can't make you happy but believe me when I say I support you in everything you do, always have been. So it hurts a little to hear you say those words.

Should I let you go?
Maybe I should.
Give me time, I will leave quietly.

“Dignity
/ˈdignitē/ noun

1. The moment you realize that the person you cared for has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you, but a headache. 

2. The moment you realize God had greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or sad Pinterest quotes.

3. The moment you stop comparing yourself to others because it undermines your worth, education and your parent’s wisdom.

4. The moment you live your dreams, not because of what it will prove or get you, but because that is all you want to do. People’s opinions don’t matter. 

5. The moment you realize that no one is your enemy, except yourself.

6. The moment you realize that you can have everything you want in life. However, it takes timing, the right heart, the right actions, the right passion and a willingness to risk it all. If it is not yours, it is because you really didn’t want it, need it or God prevented it. 

7. The moment you realize the ghost of your ancestors stood between you and the person you loved. They really don't want you mucking up the family line with someone that acts anything less than honorable.

8. The moment you realize that happiness was never about getting a person. They are only a helpmate towards achieving your life mission.

9. The moment you believe that love is not about losing or winning. It is just a few moments in time, followed by an eternity of situations to grow from.

10. The moment you realize that you were always the right person. Only ignorant people walk away from greatness.” 
― Shannon L. Alder

10 years of me

Since it's the first few hours of my birthday, I decided to do a post for myself. A decade of selfies coming through.........and something I would've wanted to say to my past self.

Beware that some photos may look nasty. Its 4am and I'm way too tired to edit any photos.
So heeeeere weeeee go

2005

Age:14

(looking awesome without makeup)

Wouldn't have said much to me at that time, although probably I shouldn't have played so much NEOPETS and MAPLE and wasting a ton of time instead of acquiring a talent of some sort. All I can say is, you are who you needed to be at 14. Life was simple.

2006

Age:15

2006 was a hella frustrating puberty rage filled year. Wouldn't have done anything different. I met amazing friends, papa was with me, and life was pretty much going to school and trying to sneak out and meet my friends. Would've told myself to not try to fit in so much though. I was pretty okay being myself.

2007

Age:16

I was a pretty childish 16 year old. Shouldn't have wasted so many hours with JAPANESE DRAMAS AND JPOP. But i admired my guts and spontaneousness back then. From asking random people to take photos to randomly shouting and screaming in public without a care in the world. I was TOO young and TOO HAPPY to give a shit.

2008

Age:17

Wasn't any different from 2007. Still one heck of a crazy person running around like some mad dog without a care in the world. My passion for photography and art was so strong back then. Something i would like to get back.

2009

Age:18

Still a crazy person back then. Nobody told be boys won't like you if you're gross and unglam and all. Attempted to be a japanese boy but failed miserably. HAHA. I had more freedom at that point, so i had lots of fun EXPLORING different places, SLEEPOVERS........and all the awesome IJ things we used to do. Wouldn't have changed anything either.

2010

Age:19

The year I actually started to bother about my appearance. From makeup to fashion.......(do not judge the photo above I WAS EXPERIMENTING) Got a taste of the working world which was a total eye opener, wasted my days watching KPOP instead of actually studying for my O levels. Oh well, but that turned out okay in the end anyway. Would've been better if i actually studied harder........i guess.

2011

Age: 20

Oh yes this year was a memorable one. Lots of experimenting, exploring, experiencing WHAT NOT. I had a ball of a time, and I wouldn't have changed what happened at all. I learnt, i got hurt, and i became stronger. Although alot of my innocence disappeared in the process and I became more cynical, I guess it's just part of growing up. Maybe i should've studied A LIL bit harder and prioritized what was more important. But i guess I wouldn't have known then.

2012

Age: 21

Although i was already 21, I still had so much to learn. I should've been less selfish, should've cared more about people and should've thought twice about doing things. Although i lost a few people in the process, I did learn to become a better person. Would've been better if i was a lil happier that year. Wasted too much time being depressed.

2013

Age: 22

Seriously I was 22 in that photo?! 2013 couldn't have been better. I finally found my calling, what i wanted to do in the future. Met so many amazing people that I can proudly say are still close to me to this very day. Although at that point in time there were a couple of things that made me wanna give up on life, I'm glad I had friends who stood by me when I needed them.

2014

Age: 23

2014 was a tough year, I felt lost and uncertain most of the time. I didn't know what I wanted to do, I spent alot of time bumming around, wasting my money redundant things. If i only could turn back time and tell myself what I should do STEP by STEP.......oh well

Finally 2015. It's december SO TECHNICALLY IVE A YEAR TO BE 24 OK.

All I can say is, I hope things get better, I hope I'll finally find happiness, and always strive to be a better me. :)

NEVER

settle for someone who says he loves you,
but lies to you
and likes many others

know your worth.
you deserve someone who only looks at you.
x

NO RAGRETS

They always ask me "If you had a chance to change the past what would you change?"

I'd always respond, "Probably study harder so I can get better grades"

But with better grades, I wouldn't have gone to NA and i wouldnt have met my ij babies, wouldn't have met my awesome poly mates and intern buddies, wouldn't have met my ewf babies cuz I'll be home studying hard, wouldn't have met a few other amazing people who are part of my life now.

I guess I'm proud to say I have NO RAGRETS.

Xx

Bliss

Live for the good days, not the bad.

X

“She was broken from moment to moment, watching her world collide she felt lost inside herself. She fell apart for a passion that flamed beneath her. She waited and died a hundred times, it dripped from her pores. The moment she let go, she soared over the stillness like the star she was born to be.”

x

H O N E S T

Say what it is you’re trying to say,
But if you lie to me again.
I'll be the one that's walking away.
Is it in you to be honest?

Is it all in my head
or was it something I said?
Because I’m trying to forgive,
and now I’m trying to forget,
You’re telling me all of this,
no more hearing of it,
It was all just a lie, was it all just a lie?

Now I’m walking away
cause everything that you say
All that you ever tell to me is lies,
lies.

Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high. People think she built it so no one can climb, but the real thing is that she did it because she's thinking if someone would actually care to knock it down. She's tough looking but inside she's breaking. She seems strong but she's fragile and vulnerable. Some would see her smiling but in reality she just want to cry and that someone would actually care to be there, to hear those sobs and wipe those tears away. The last time she felt genuine happiness was when she was a kid, when she's completely oblivious about how the world could be so cruel and unfair. No one really cares, that's why she's always reluctant to trust people because in the end they always end up leaving her, they always tell her that they will always be there, but no one was there when she needed it the most. She felt like no one actually care about here mere existence. people can't blame her if she's an insecure mess cause they are the main reason why she act like that. People would point out her flaws like she doesn't know it yet and of how some could be so gullible about her feelings, and that she's hurting. they don't know how its like to be her, no one, unless they would be put in the same position as her, they can never really tell what's it like to be her, to be compare, be judge, and to not be accepted. She surround herself with positive people thinking that she can be happy, at least for a while, but at night, she cries, because having dry eyes at day, doesn't always mean dry pillows at night. She tried to ease the pain for many times. she calm herself in front of other people, but inside she's screaming. She is not fine. that may took her long to find the path to where she could find happiness, the genuine kind of course, but she's not yielding and she won't let anyone make a mockery out of her. she'd be tenacious because she know that she deserve better. she knows that some have it a lot worse and that's why she has prepared herself for the worst. maybe not now or anytime soon but eventually she'll be happy

Thank you D, for making me realise my worth, for helping me pick myself up. And for making me laugh in the midst of all that. I'm lucky enough that you're part of this crappy life of mine. You're truly a great friend.

X

If only two wrongs make a right

You can pick up the broken pieces and fix them all back together.

But there will still be cracks.

X

Escape

I need an escape. From my own mind. I wish to stop thinking. If only there was a way to control your memories, only remembering the good ones. I know shit happens for a reason and it helps you grow as a person but honestly I would in a much happier state if some things never happened.

Life's been a real mess lately. Been all over the place and sometimes I dont know what I'm doing anymore.

On a brighter note, I still am blessed and thankful for those who stuck by me, those who matter. It's nice to know there are people out there who'll always have your back no matter what.

3.23am and I still can't sleep.

Shall catch up on some PLL

Me and jessie made a wish on a balloon yesterday, my wish was really dumb.

GUTEN NACHT

Some pictures to fill this space with a little colour

somewhere in between happy.......and a wreck

X

Sometimes in life, you have to see the ones you love get hurt. It sucks to feel so helpless and useless in such situations. All you can do is be there for them whenever they need to, and let them be if that's what they want. You cannot be selfish, you have to set your own feelings aside. I want so much for you to be happy. I just wanna hug you and tell you everything is gonna be okay. I'm sorry B, I am not of much help but I'll always be here for you when you need me. You can count on that. I love you, and I always will.

xx

“your first mistake was loving someone who doesn’t know what love really is. it was giving them the power to ruin you, giving them enough strength to crush your soul with two fingers, and even worse, a few words. your second mistake was telling them how much you need them, how your soul longed for something like this, how you can’t imagine long nights without them. your third mistake was falling too fast for the idea of who they were, the soft hints of hate you missed in their words, the points of concern you should’ve noticed. your fourth mistake was loving them more. loving each little bruise and bone, being convinced each scar had a story, even when it didn’t. connecting the freckles on their back into constellations and secretly wishing this would last forever, baby no, you can’t wish on stars that aren’t bright. and they, they were always dark and dull. they looked at you with bored eyes, you were convinced they were only ever tired. they held you with careless, clumsy, arms. arms that never shook from holding on too tight, you kissed with motionless lips, slept with a body and no soul. but, it’s not your fault. it’s easy to fall for an idea, especially when it’s got big brown eyes and a heartbeat that sounds like your favorite song.”

—  i.c. // four

12am thoughts

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong man like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

Because everyone goes through pain, that I never wanna go through that pain anymore.
Better off alone.

Goodbye

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

THRIFT SHOPPING!

HI! Today was a productive day out thrift shopping. Yes we all know how hard it is to thrift here in Singapore, not like in the US where you can find great deals for just a dollar. The cheapest you can find here would likely cost you at least 4 dollars and they're not the very nice ones.. But that didnt bring me and kitty down. We hunted for treasures at 2 of the very few thrift stores here and i guess we found some pretty pieces we are happy to call our own. hee.